Sleep

I cannot sleep, it seems. I find myself once again awake when the sky is at its very darkest and sound only comes from the nocturnal creatures outside. With my bedside lamp turned on I feel as if I belong in another time when that lamp would instead a flickering candle. The glow is warm, enveloping me in its comforting light. I compose these words in a leather-bound journal reminiscent of days long past.

Still I wonder, what is it that has kept me up this night?

My mind seems empty, void of all thoughts. Perhaps it is that emptiness that keeps me awake. It is a feeling that was always so foreign to me. More recently it has come to be an ever present sensation as I lie awake in the night. It is no wonder that I would find no comfort for sleep when such a feeling lingers in my mind.

Or perhaps this empty feeling is more of a numbness. It is created by my own mind to hide the unbearable number of thoughts and ideas that lurk in my subconscious. It is a strong dose of painkillers for a suffering that no one would be able to bear. Sometimes the pressure of all the ideas does seem as if it will break me apart. If this is the reason for the numbness, I should not be surprised that my body would someday develop a defense for the blow.

As I write this out, I seem to have broken through to my pool of thoughts. It seems to be overflowing once again. the sensation of my mind once again filling up is familiar to me. I would rather have this incomprehensible mess of questions, thoughts, ideas, and plans than that numbing emptiness any day.

Perhaps now that my head is again buzzing, I may be able to sleep.