Punishment

I suppose I was just punishing myself. I didn't truly realize it at the time, but everything I did was for that purpose alone.

I stopped letting myself do what I love, justifying it as making time for the things I needed to do. On the surface of my mind I thought that would solve my problems, but I was only being controlled by my emotions once again. Instead I was making myself miserable for the sole purpose of harming my already ragged self.

I refused to allow myself to be with the people I loved. I told them that I had to study. I told myself that I have depended on them more than necessary. But I really thought that I didn't deserve to be cared about, to be laughed with, to be loved. In the end it was all just self-hatred and self-punishment.

I realize now what a fool I was. I felt only distain towards myself, and so I harmed myself and worried others in my futile attempt to "fix" the problem. And still, I know it will happen again when I fall back into that spiral of self-hatred. Until then, I am who I was once more.