Cannot be Saved

My savior could be standing right in front of me. She could be the one to pull me out of the darkness, to dig me out from my sinking grave. He could be the one to help me fix the broken ends and piece me back together. But somehow, I cannot seem to let him/her in.

I have always been the one to put others back together. I was the strong one, the optimistic one, the dependable one. I am the big sister, the "smart friend". Others are supposed to see me as the hero, not as the frail maiden who needs rescuing.

I cannot accept my own weakness, my own dependence. The help of others is something foreign to my very nature. It is not something I know how to accept. She may be my hero offering to rescue my very soul, but I am unable to let him save me.

Lost Logic

My logic has left me, it seems. Like the dreams you wish to remember, it has simply disappeared.

I used to see the world in a logical point of view. Yes, I had my private artistic ramblings and rearranged ideas from the reality everyone else had, but I also had my logic. I could depend on that realism when times were tough. It was my form of optimism, in a way. Instead of seeing everything from the negative side, I saw it as it really was.

But now it seems there is only small traces. I have it for the times when I must prove a point, but otherwise it lets me struggle on my own. Though it is gone, there is no optimism to replace it. I find, instead, a more pessimistic view on the angles of the world. It is as if I am looking up from the shadows to the light that I will never reach.

The loss is affecting everything I do and everything I say. I wonder how long it will be before my companions can no longer count on me to be the mother figure I was. How long it will be before the logic will leave me completely? I fear for when that time comes. That day I will no longer be able stand without my cane of thorns beside me.